Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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