new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
