So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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