I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
