genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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