Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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