I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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