WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
