You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
