It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
