apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
