I CAN MOONWALK!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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