He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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