from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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