I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
