my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
