I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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