Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
