I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
