Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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