i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police