He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
