my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
