i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
