I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
