somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
