there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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