She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
