I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
