If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
