I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
