Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
