Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
