Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
