my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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