I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
