a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My feet surprised me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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