I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
FUCK WHALES
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
