I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
