my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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