Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This is classic penis vs brain.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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