Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
