If that was your dad, he is hot
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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