i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
