I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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