i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
