I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
