All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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