So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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