Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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