every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
