I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
