never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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