is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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